Experiential Existence

This section is about more of my personal experiences and what I've learned through them. Some of this dates back a few years, but I think it's good to see the growth. Everything I wrote was true for me at the time I wrote it. As I continue on my journey, my ideas and beliefs shift. This first writing sums my journey up, since I was a small girl. I've kept it at the top because it feels like my personal Lighthouse. If you care to read more please click on the Archives button.

August 2016

I understand now I have never been lost or on a search. I have always known where home is yet feel as if I was dropped on the other side of the world and have been finding my way back. Many practices & traditions have a familiar feel - like the old neighborhood - but it is onlynow that I see the light of my home. I am not there yet. But I see it from here. I will be home soon. 


I do not claim to know how anyone else should be living their life. I do not claim to be some significant being that was sent here to save humanity. I do not claim to be a spiritual teacher, as I do not believe spirituality can be taught. This mostly leaves me with a lack of words to use to describe myself…particularly when I need to do some sort of marketing for my livelihood.

Don’t mistake this for saying that I don’t think much of myself. I do.  I think I am an amazing Being who has had incredible life experiences; a risk-taker; somewhat fearless; a determined seeker of the Truth of my own being; a reluctant mirror to many; a strong independent thinker; a fully sensual woman who does not fear this aspect of herself. I like to share what I’ve learned along my journey. I like to witness the transformations of people I have guided. I like to live comfortably. I have no shame in asking for remuneration for my services, knowing my history of time, effort, blood, sweat and tears that I’ve put into my journey…and due to all of this, knowing the pureness of my heart in offering. I do things differently than most. I’m not the most intelligent, beautiful or disciplined person that I know…I do not aim to be. My only aim is to be that which I already am.

This which I am has been whispering to me for years, and now has catapulted to the forefront of my mind, screaming in my ears, choking me in my throat…”It’s time. It’s time.” I’ve struggled with how to let it out…I’ve been encouraged by so many and yet I don’t feel I have a hold on “my voice”. My voice seems to change often…I think one way, then I learn more and I think a different way. How to present My Voice if there is no guarantee that it will stand the test of time.

Stay still. Unmoving. Stagnant.None of these describe me so why would I continue to wait for this supposed stability of Voice? I cannot wait anymore. I will move through the fear of being questioned about my changing beliefs. What I write is True in the moment I write it. I take responsibility for that. It may change in a week, a month, a year, a decade…and I will take responsibility then as well.


The call to visit Varanasi has been strong for months. There are a lot of stories around why people venture to Varanasi but the two themes that seem to keep coming up for this visit are honoring my ancestors in a way that then allows me to move beyond any energetic holdings that are ingrained in my DNA, and secondly, the idea of death.

Maybe it's my age, but death seems to be more and more a part of my life. It's no longer grandparents and distant cousins who pass, but more so parents, aunts and uncles, and now even siblings, children and peers...my own generation and those closest to them.

Dealing with death came early in life. My father passed when I was 12. He had been sick for about 3 years and in the innocence of a 12 year old mind I remember thinking, "well, he's 44, he's had a long life." At 35 my 65 year old mother passed, and the only thought was that she was much too young to be gone. At 43, my "second mother" passed away at 68, leaving a family that was still recovering from the loss of her 36 year old son 7 years prior. My brother-in-law passed just last February, at 58, only 10 years my elder. Observing my sister and her two adult children, thoughts about how much life is yet to come for them, and how much he was expected to be a part of all of it ran for days. Last week Facebook announced the sudden death of a high school friend's 19 year old son: one of life's worst nightmares for a parent. Watching loved ones currently battle disease make it impossible to not think about death and what it will be like to not have them on this physical plane of life.

Although it has been painful each time death has presented itself, there is a general sense of calm around it all, knowing there is so much more than the physical body. This comes from my feet being firmly on my path and from touching emptiness, thus knowing where my Truth lies.

The "death" that draws me to Varanasi has nothing to do with anyone's physical body. The death of my own seemingly important identity has looked me in the mirror a few times in my life, and it's doubtfully finished. Sometimes it feels like a craving - to just wipe the entire slate clean and begin again, in a different job, a new city, a new country. There's not much attachment to places, things or even people. This doesn't mean there isn't care about anything or anyone, it just means I have been blessed, in my opinion, with an understanding that nothing lasts. NOTHING. NO THING. It hasn't been that way all my life, but definitely for the past 10 years or so.

Each time the slate is cleared more of my True Nature emerges. Because the illusion about how life is "supposed" to be and the delusions about who I am "supposed" to be have diminished, it gets easier each time to let go and move on. There aren't big expectations of anything in particular happening in Varanasi, I just know I've been "dying" at top speed this past year and it almost feels like visiting the place where people go to die will be a welcoming home.

There must be death and destruction in order for there to be (re)birth and (re)creation. Each existence is part of this continuous cycle, intricately personal and vastly impersonal. It is awe-inspiring, breathtaking, heartbreaking, and deeply beautiful at a level not even consciously understood sometimes.


I've questioned myself along the way if I am "missing out" on something by not fostering friendships or romantic relationships for the past few years. But when I really sit and be still and check in with what I feel like on the inside I always realize that I really am okay being alone. My community will grow around me in the necessary way as long as I stay present and flowing. Getting out and sharing with people and groups is good for me for integration and stabilization. It is an ego boost but more in a way of confirmation and less in the way of pride or arrogance. I understand too, that this may change, as life often does, and I may find myself nurturing relationships once again.

I don't really have any desire for a romantic relationship anymore. I also no longer have feelings of unworthiness or not being lovable. I believe the those two statements are related in some way.

Divine feminine...December 2017

It is often said Jesus had 12 disciples...this is common knowledge in Christianity. In some of my research it is stated that each male disciple was married (which seems obvious as what man in that day and time wouldn't be married?) and the wife was considered a disciple of the same caliber (which also seems obvious, yet...)...and that there were many others considered disciples including Mary Magdalene, Mary of Bethany and Mariam of Mount Carmel. All women were held in equal esteem and reverence and it was mutually understood the sacred roles of men and women They also understood that living life was a matter of understanding energy - feminine and masculine became labels of this energy - and that these energies were just housed in female and male bodies but that the gender of the bodies didn't really matter (other than for procreation), it was more about the different energies harmonizing and merging into divine union with Oneness, regardless of this being between man and woman, man and man or woman and woman.

I do not know if this is true or not. I wasn't there...neither was anyone reading this post. But it seems quite possibly true...if this part of the Bible story were kept and taught, this one piece, what effect would that have had on every upbringing in a Christian household? community? country? In the world as a whole? What if it was understood that both men AND women are and always have been equally necessary, respected and revered as a matter of Life and Humanity on this Earth. My how life would be different for each of us humans!

We can't go backwards in this realm...but trust youme...we are moving forward...put your seatbelts on folks, the ride has just begun...'tis the Season to celebrate the life of Jesus (as we all know he was born more around the time of April but it was easier to convert the Pagans to Christianity having a holiday closer to their solstice celebration in December) and all those involved in his life

In Hinduism there is Devi, the book about her is Devi Bhagavatam. Devi is the ultimate Creatrix. She is the ocean that Vishnu lies upon. She is there before all. In Egypt there is Sekhmet, a fierce warrior goddess. This is the one I know the least about. I am sure in most religions, somewhere back in history, there is the revered Divine Feminine. It's all coming to the surface now. Ancient texts are being discovered...and perhaps even more so, we as humans are re-membering. 2016 Bali


© Jnana Janani